I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
