he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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