I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
