Can i not drive my cunt home
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
