i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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