Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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