We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
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I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
And then he peed in my hair
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