Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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