That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
