I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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