My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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