Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
