i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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