Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
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Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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