I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
