Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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