After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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