upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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