Me too!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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