You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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