I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Your cock deserves a montage
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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