Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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