that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
