his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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