Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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