cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
