I met the friendliest cop last night
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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