thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Im part way to drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
