Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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