Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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