"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
