you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
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