finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
