just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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