Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
