Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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