He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
