Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
