In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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