No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
