If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
