you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I lost the right to judge tonight
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
