Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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