bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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