FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
