I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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