i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
