My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
