I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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