You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
