Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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