i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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