How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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