she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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