I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
