I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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