i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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