Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
