remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Did I show you my penis last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
